just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
