how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
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