If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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