Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
