I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
