I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
