new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Randomize
