She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
