I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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