Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
