I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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