I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
