Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
