I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
