worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
