Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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