Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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