at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
it hurts more in the daytime
Banned from zoo.
Again?
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
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