The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Randomize
