Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
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