I wish my penis had an off switch
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize