Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
