oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
