I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
