I think my vagina is haunted
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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