I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Randomize
