MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
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