Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
