woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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