I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
