I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
