Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
