you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
