I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
