If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
