Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
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