My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
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