a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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