I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
