I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
