I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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