I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Randomize
