The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
