I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
