New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Randomize
