community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
