Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Randomize
