i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
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