my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
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