Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I think people are normalizing furries
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
