Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
