Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
