how can u be prego again
I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Randomize
