she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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