Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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