the condom got lost in my hair
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
