well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Randomize
