Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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