They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
