i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
